Quinn: So, how long has he been out there?
Debbie: Three hours.
Stormy: That’s frickin’ amazing!
Quinn: It’s frickin’ impossible! The pressure should have exploded his head instantly.
Stormy: Mmkay.
Sparks: Holy crap, I know who that guy is! (Switches on TV)
News Announcer: What would you do with a triiilllion dollars? Well, if you said ‘Build a golden fortress at the center of the earth to enslave Troglodytes,’ your name must be Max Stone, the Rebel Extreme Trillionaire! (Cut to Max’s press conference)
Max: Internet! I just bought it! Ha ha ha, suckers. (Cut back to Sealab)
Sparks: Uh, w-where the hell did he go? (Max bursts through ceiling)
Stormy: Aaah!
Sparks/Quinn?: Woah, look out.
Debbie: How the hell did you get in here?
Max: Jet pack, transportation mode of the future!
Quinn: And how did you survive the water pressure?
Max: It’s called mathematics! Look it up, dummy!
Debbie: Wait, what?
Max: Enough chitty-chat. I claim this place in the name of me, Max Stone!
Dan: (With guitar) Extreme rebel trillionaire!
Max: Muchayus graceeyus, Dan.
Quinn: You—You can’t claim Sealab! It belongs to the U.S. Government!
Max: Government? Hah, hold on a sec. (Pulls out phone; speaks into it) Hello, telephone? Get me the government. Beep boop boop. Hello, government? Buy, sell, buy, sell! Ha ha ha, you’re an a-hole. Click. (TV comes on)
News Announcer: This just in: the rebel extreme trillionaire Max Stone has just purchased Sealab. Plus, Beeeeesss!!!
Max: Yeah, I own this tank of crap now, and I’m taking it to the extreme!
Sparks: Awesome!
Quinn: Extreme? This is a serious research station!
Max: Seriously boring. So I filled the hallways with rabid alligators.
Alligator: Rowr!
Stormy, Sparks, Debbie, Quinn: Aaah!
Max: A-whip-cracka! (Hits alligator with stick)
Alligator: Uurgh. (Walks off)
Max: If I was you, I’d get yourselves some big sticks.
Sparks: M-Mr. Stone, let me just say: it is an honor, Sir. Whatever you need—
Max: Well thanks for kissing my ass, head-set. (Uses jet-pack claw to give Sparks a wad of bills) Money. (Again) Some double money.
Tornado: I don’t care who you are, you can’t take over my Sealab. I won’t letcha!
Max: So you’re telling me I can’t, I can not do something? (Jetpacks over to Tornado) Well, folks told Max Stone he couldn’t bungee jump the Grand Canyon, usin’ a thousand deadly cobras as a cord. Guess what happened, stupid? Slide! (Slide of Max bunjee jumping the Grand Canyon with a cord made of snakes)
Dan: (With guitar) Extreme rebel trillionaire…to the max!
Max: Great job, Dan-O. You got yourself a real gift, son: the gift of you’re fired! Ha ha ha ha, get it? You, hair guy! Grab that guitar, and make it sing!
Stormy: Mmmkay.
Tornado: Belay that order! Mr. Stone was just about to leave.
Max: Jetpack! (Jetpacks over Dan, setting him on fire)
Dan: Aauuugh!
Max: You mean just about to lead. You see, that’s where we differ, ‘cause I’m Max Stone, a leader of men. You women out there, hit the bricks!
Tornado: What?
Max: You couldn’t lead a monkey to a banana raffle! A leader needs funny catch phrases, like “Take it to the max!” and “Monkey banana raffle!” (Pause)
Tornado: Well, uh, I got a catchphrase, I’ve just, uh, I’ve just never had a chance to use it. (Clears throat) ‘Damn, that’s cold, y’all!’ (Pause)
Stormy: (Laughs)
Max: Carbonite gun. (A laser gun emerges from Max’s jetpack) Monkey banana raffle! (The gun shoots a bean which encases Tornado in carbonite)
Tornado: (Being encased) Damn that’s cold y’all!
[SCENE]
Quinn: (Pushing frozen Tornado) Damnit! This is not over! Aw, hell no! Gonna get him dethawed, call the government, and then—(dropping frozen Tornado, it breaks) Aw damn. Nyah-ah-ah.
[SCENE]
Max: (Hovering on jetpack) What we need around here is a clear hierarchy, with me at the top. Hey, you there, put my head on a dog.
Stormy: (With guitar) Head on a do-o-og!
Max: What’s with the blank looks, people? Remember Egypt?
Guy: What the f*** is wrong with this guy?
Max: Oh I am so sorry. Was that too extreme for you? Well how about this, hot shot: you’re fired, monkeyballs! (To Dr. Virjay) What’s your job?
Dr. Virjay: I am Sealab’s medical officer. Pleased to meet you.
Max: Well have fun in the burn unit, Dago, ‘cause you’re fired. (To next guy) What’s your deal, eyeballs?
Next guy: I make the robots.
Max: Well, if a big-ass robot comes up to you and says he’ll be back, you better listen to him, ‘cause you’re terminated. (Flies forward briefly, then back) Pop culture reference; look it up, stupid. (To Fire Inspector) Now, what’s your deal, Red?
Fire Inspector: I’m the fire inspector!
Max: Too easy.
Stormy: (With guitar) He said ‘too easy,’ ‘too easy!’
Max: Hey, earmuffs.
Sparks: I love you.
Max: You’re in charge until I get back. I’m going to the moon for a sandwich! Anybody else want one?
Stormy: Uh yeah, I’d love a moonwich.
Max: You got a million dollars?
Stormy: Mmno.
Max: So you’re not getting a sandwich, are you, jackass? To the moon! (Jetpacks away)
Everyone: Hooray!
[SCENE]
Quinn: (Finishing reassembling Tornado) There. Good as new. Well kinda.
Dr. Virjay: (Approaches, opens soda on Tornado’s nose)
Quinn: Hey, knock it off!
Dr. Virjay: Oh, what, so now you hate sodapop?
Quinn: No, I’m talkin’ to him.
Christian: (Chipping away at Tornado’s groin) I gotta have that d***!
[SCENE]
Max: Mm—cheese just takes better on the moon. Ain’t dat funny?
Moon Waiter: [Moon language]
Max: (Using jetpack arm to open briefcase full of money) Moon money. Go get yourself some more of them silver britches, moon-waiter.
Moon Waiter: [More moon language]
Max: Hot damn, I love this moon!
[SCENE]
(Frozen Tornado looking at snack machine)
[SCENE]
Stormy: Look, Quinn, Rebel Extreme Trillionaire Max Stone may have some quirks, but you gotta give him one thing: (With guitar) He gave me this guitar!
Sparks: Uh, the point is, he’s been here all of what, ten minutes, and Sealab’s already running better than it ever did when the government was in charge, OK?
Debbie: And have you seen the budget for your research lab, Quinn? (Stormy pokes Quinn with guitar neck) He increased it 300%!
Quinn: 300%? Wow, I (Stormy pokes Quinn a 4th time) Stop it! (To Debbie) I could finally resume my genetics research!
Flipper Guy: (Walks on) Haven’t you done enough already?
Quinn: You get back in your cage!
Flipper Guy: (Running off) Meow!
Quinn: Now, well. The real point is, this is gonna go horribly wrong, and I’ll end up savin’ the day. Y’all can’t see that?
Debbie: You’re the non-seeing one! Max is great! I mean, he helped me start a mission at the center of the earth!
[SCENE]
Max: Listen up, Troglodytes: there’s gon’ be a little lady comin’ around these parts, preachin’ the good word. I want y’all to be on yo’ best behavior. I’m looking at you, Gragamel.
Steve: My name is Steve.
Max: Now get back to minin’ my gold. A-whip-cracka! (Cracks whip, alligator bites Steve’s leg)
Steve: Aagh!
Max: Damnit, I told y’all to Get Big Sticks.
[SCENE]
Frozen Tornado: (Thinking) So…beautiful. Urgh…urgh…uh…urgh (inches way towards snack machine, tips it over on himself) Haha, haha, ha ha ha…I can’t eat it…
[SCENE]
Quinn: (Running in) Sparks, what’s wrong?
Sparks: What? Everything’s fine.
Quinn: The vaporators!
Sparks: Chuggin’ away at 150% efficiency, my man.
Vaporator guy: (In monitor) Hooray!
Quinn: Uh, kelp! Problem with the kelp?
Sparks: Harvested this morning, chicken little.
Quinn: Beeees!
Sparks: Uhh…there aren’t any?
Quinn: Damnit! Isn’t there something, or someone around here, that needs saving?
Debbie: (On monitor) Quinn, come quick!
Quinn: Ah, here we go! ALAARM! ALAARM!
Sparks: Eh, seriously dude, you need to calm the f*** down.
[SCENE]
Quinn: (Entering lab, followed by Sparks) ALAARM! ALAARM! ALAARM!
Debbie: What the hell is wrong with you?
Quinn: I thought there was a ALAARM!
Debbie: No, silly stupid dumb-dumb. We wanted to show you the giant electron microscope Max got you.
Quinn: Really? Huh. (A shark falls from the sky)
Sparks: Oh god!
Stormy: Aaahh!
Debbie: Demon! (The shark bursts open, Max emerges with jetpack)
Stormy: Ahh!
Sparks: Holy crap!
Debbie: It’s Max!
Sparks: I know that dude!
Max: First man in history to eat a shark from the inside out. Cross it off the ol’ honeydew list. (Jetpack arms emerge with pencil and clipboard. He crosses off “Become human parasite” from his “Trillionaire To Do List,” including “Trick bear into going to college” [crossed off], “Create Earthquake Machine” [crossed off], “Invent Time Machine” [crossed off], subitem “Travel to past; kill Father” [not crossed off])
Sparks: Welcome back, Sir. As per your instructions, I fired like 100 more people and equipped all the hallway alligators with nail guns.
Max: That’s awesome! And now I’m bored.
Sparks: What?
Debbie: Uh, come again?
Max: Bored. This place sucks. I’m outta here. (Jetpacks away)
Sparks: Wait, wait!
Debbie: Don’t go!
Stormy: (With guitar) Don’t leave me baaaaaayyy-byy! (Max comes back)
Debbie: Please, you can’t leave, Sir. This place has never run more smoothly. Even flipper guy is contributing!
[SCENE]
Flipper Guy: I’m still sexually active! Hooray! (His phone rings, he answers it) Flipper Penis.
[SCENE]
Max: (Jetting over to Quinn) What do you say, eyeballs? Y’want me around?
Quinn: Aw man, yeah, please stay.
Max: Well, super! But it’s gonna have to be a hell of a lot more interesting in this crap of tank! Scratch that, reverse it.
Sparks: Uhh, sir? I’m just spitballin’ here, but what about bats, made of fire, just bouncin’ off the walls all the time?
Max: Ooh, I love it. You people keep surprising me with stuff like that—
Stormy: (Hits Max in the nuts with his guitar) Booyah!
Max: My balls!
Quinn: Stormy!
Max: No, that’s great, I love it. You totally surprised me, son. Keep up the good—
Stormy: (Hits Max in the balls again) Booyah!
Max: (Unphased) Nope, seen that one already, you’re boring me. You gotta think of the craziest thing you can. Set it on fire, chase it with a shark, and then you’re getting somewheres!
Quinn: (Turns and runs) Beeees!!!
Max: You dumb dirty bastards. Now what did I just say, people? The bee thing’s old hat. (Kicks shark carcass) Seen it. Now you just follow my instructions—
Bs: (Rushing across screen) B B B B B B B B B B B!!!
Everyone but Max: Aaagh! (Go under)
Max: Ha ha ha, I love it! Never saw it coming! Ha ha ha! (Pause) Nope, bored again.
[CREDITS]
Troglodyte (Steve?): Do troglodytes go to heaven?
Debbie: Uhh, no. (Pause)
Troglodyte: Is it ‘cause I’m gay?
Debbie: You’re gay?
Troglodyte: We’re kind of all gay.
Other Troglodyte: Yeah, there’s no lava women.
Debbie: Then, I’m afraid you’re all going to burn in fiery lava pits for the rest of eternity.
All Troglodytes: Hooray!
First Troglodyte: I’m a gay man, yay.
[END]
(What does it say about me that I apparently already had a "Max Stone: Rebel Extreme Trillionaire" tag?)
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